There is always a
root to a problem, and there is a root to low self-esteem, but without
identifying why or how it got there, we don’t have the tools to eradicate it
for good. The struggle with developing unshakable self-esteem and confidence is
like a battle with annoying ivy covering a beautiful home. Perhaps you have
been used to the vines, even embracing them on occasion, but at the end of the
day they are more problematic than positive, they destroy the foundation.
I used this analogy
just today with a beautiful young woman who felt anything but attractive. “I am
trying, and I practice the tools, it just seems like I am not getting far; I am
always struggling with the way I look,” she said.
“So, its like you
are cutting a small leaf or branch off, but still feel like your covered in
vines. Some of the tricks and tools we have used work but they don’t seem to be
fixing the root cause—the reason these toxic thoughts developed in the first
place.”
Even if we have done
deep work in the past, when we thought we had eradicated those lowself-esteem believes for good, the root can keep growing and the right
circumstances can make it feel like the weeds are taking over your mind.
Get
to the Root of Your Low Self-Esteem?
Think of the ways
your self-image, confidence, and self-esteem developed. These could have been
thoughts you have had since childhood, early
experiences, or circumstances you encountered through life. The beliefs
stemmed from somewhere.
2.Loss or trauma: feeling out of control, death of a loved one, divorce, feeling abandoned, abuse
3.Rejection: this could have been from a loved one or a group of kids at school, not getting into a program or holding on to feelings of perceived inadequacy.
4.Unspoken pressure: from peers, friends, even society, giving you standards you tried to live up to but always felt like you were coming up short.
5.Mistaken beliefs: these come from our own experiences, attempting to make sense of the life circumstances and feelings we encounter. However, they hold us back and keep the roots from healing.
Common
Mistaken Beliefs that Lead to Low Self-Esteem
Do any of these feel
true for you? If so, get curious and look for the roots or experiences that
made these come about.
1.I am powerless; I
am a victim of circumstances greater than me.
2.Life is not easy;
it’s always a struggle
3.If I try, I will
fail.
4.I don’t matter.
5.I should always
look good and put together for others to like me.
6.I need to be a
certain size or weight to be worthy.
7.I need to have X,
Y or Z to feel successful.
8.I can’t cope with
the demands of the outside world.
9.I am not good
enough and I never have been.
10.I will never be
worthy of love or respect.
As hard as this may
be to admit, there is power in recognizing where your mistaken beliefs come
from. When you can identify, to the best of your ability, the ways the root may
have formed, and the toxic thoughts of low self-esteem that keep it growing inyour mind, you have a much better grasp on how false they really are.
For my client, we
examined that many of her mistaken beliefs came from her peers, the media, what
she was told was “pretty” by television and the images she saw. She has
supportive parents, but had highly critical grandparents who made confusing
comments to her about weight, appearance, and the need to be attractive. She
also had friends who placed a lot of emphasis on outer appearance.
When you are aware
of how these thoughts became stuck in your mind, you are better able to attack
them when they come up. The more and more you practice, it’s like treating the
ivy with chemicals. Each time you spray, it may not go away, but it is slowly
killing the root. Overtime, the real you, the empowered you, becomes more
visible. When you catch a new bud or leaf starting to grow, you can stop it in
its tracks. Knowing and understanding the root cause of your pain or mistaken
beliefs is the best way to rid yourself of toxic thoughts and low self-esteem
for good.
